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Prize-Winning Hamster

Previously identifiable by the conspicuous growths on the sides of their bodies that resemble and are, literally/actually, “prize ribbons” (mysteriously the growths exhibit the exact molecular structure as any “prize ribbon” available at Kmart or used in elementary school spelling bees) many Prize-Winning Hamsters have, in the past three years, for societal reasons too complex to adequately enunciate in this description, begun “amputating” their ribbons via “an expensive, not-always-successful, nonetheless FDA-approved procedure” that utilizes laser technology first employed in the New Mexico Hamster War of 2012 (to annihilate enemy hamsters in a bloodless, PG-13 manner—ostensibly because of the main warzone’s proximity to a middle school and a daycare center, actually because hamster soldiers perform more effectively “when their weaponry resembles video game weaponry from the mid 90s,” according to military files accidentally posted in an online discussion forum about Bright Eyes). Today an estimated 38% of Prize-Winning Hamsters have “de-prized” themselves—choosing to “house” their “self” within a less obviously qualified/rated physical manifestation. The other 62% can be identified by ribbons displaying prizes ranging, most commonly, from 1st to 10th, in colors ranging from dark blue to peach-fuzz orange, though prizes as “low” as the mid 40s, and, once, 649th, have been photographed—usually (re the “lower” prizes) blurrily, while the hamster is running away, in what most psychologists consider to be “shame.”

Average weight/height (record): 1.1 lbs/3.1” (1.8 lbs/4.1”)
Average life expectancy (record): 11.4 years (24.9 years)
Favorite book(s): Invisible Monsters, The Contortionist’s Handbook
Favorite band(s): Radiohead
Favorite movie(s): Se7en
Favorite sexual position: missionary

Hunting tips: Depending on the content of their “prize ribbon” the Prize-Winning Hamster is either shockingly confident (running through public spaces screaming in joy while flailing their bodies, in extreme cases—if one can describe a round object as “flailing”) or severely lacking in self-esteem (hiding in dark, soil-y holes crying and binge-eating baked goods while feeling focusedly suicidal in a manner meant to be cathartic but ultimately “only exasperating, in terms of mental distress,” in extreme cases). Approach a specimen displaying a prize placement between 3^rd and 9^th (at this range of innate praise the Prize-Winning Hamster likely will not attempt to escape in fear or feel such confidence that it cannot control itself from openly attacking you), placing it in a plastic baggie.

Cooking tips: Carefully “slice off” the “prize ribbon,” which can be used to express fondness/sincerity the next time you mail someone something and feel that, in your letter, you seem “really depressed” or “vaguely sarcastic.” Peel and slice the hamster like a kiwi, using the skin, and its connective fatty tissue, as an oil-base for the broiling of the meat slices. For “de-prized” hamsters excise and discard the scar tissue immediately, before doing anything else, as it can seem—in its implications of “ruined youth,” “mental distress,” and [something about cancer]—depressing/unappetizing on an otherwise relatively consistently contoured piece of meat.

- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin

Hahahaha! These get better and better. Remember obese hamster?!